an experience at "esma"

i thought i had a pretty good understanding about argentina's past before arriving here in buenos aires. i knew there had been a coup d'etat following the perón era. i knew about the argentine military dictatorship and the horrors that took place in the 70s and early 80s. i knew about the desaparecidos and the "death flights".  i thought i had a rather decent knowledge about the country's chaotic timeline. 

little did i know that what i knew was sooooo little. (can you say that ten times fast??) i can learn about anything on wikipedia or through a textbook, but truly knowing about something takes a whole lot more than just a simple read-through of presented facts. reading informs, yet detaches. until this past friday, i had done a lot of the reading but not a moment of the experiencing. 

precisely why i was completely stoked when my argentine mom included me in a one-of-a-kind experience, one that would truly show me argentina's past in a way that no textbook possibly could. friday morning, we took the long drive out to the pricey neighborhood of nuñez to visit ESMA, the largest and most infamous secret detention center used during argentina's "dirty war". originally a legitimate military teaching institution, during the dictatorship the large complex was converted into a hellhole that would eventually hold over 5,000 individuals, a pit stop of torture that preluded their eventual executions by government-ordered task forces. in 2004, ESMA was turned into a museum, dubbed a "space of memory" and the "promotion and defense of human rights" by president nestor kirchner. although tours are offered, completely free access to the military complex is limited and visits must be made by scheduled appointment.

my host mom patricia, a painter and photographer, had visited ESMA the week before to participate in an ongoing art project that aims to remember the desaparecidos that were taken away and to celebrate their children that were rediscovered thanks to the relentless efforts of las abuelas de plaza de mayo. she had come home with hundreds of pictures to show me of the building and of the exposition. 

good timing. that same day, i had come home from class reeling with questions, sadness, and shock. my mandatory spanish class in our study abroad headquarters, which i begrudgingly drag myself to every thursday, is usually a huge waste of time, but that particular day i could've stayed in class forever listening and thinking. the theme of the class revolved around the military dictatorship, the implementation of state terrorism as a means of social control, and the three decade search for the lost remains of victims and their illegally appropriated children (something i had somehow never even heard a word about). in class, i also learned about ESMA for the first time, completely repulsed that such a thing ever existed to begin with. when patricia told me about her day at ESMA, she immediately recognized my interest and then managed to get permission for me to attend the following week, for the second painting get-together. 

here's the basic premise behind the project: in honor of the thirty-third anniversary of the founding the las abuelas de plaza de mayo and the día de identidad this coming monday, internationally reknowned writer alejandro jodorowsky commissioned for a special "poetic act for peace" that would fuse original artwork with a symbolic ceremony to promote remembrance and peace. the huge composition is pretty innovative and impressive: an array of individually-painted cement blocks come together to form a singular image, the hopeless face of one of the mind-boggling 30,000 argentines who disappeared during the dictatorship. there are 102 cement cubes in all, one for each of the nietos recuperados (recovered grandchildren) who were illegally appropriated to new families after the executions of their parents, but who later discovered their true identities with the help of the abuelas. at the culminating event on monday (which i unfortunately won't be able to attend because of literature class), the piece will be revealed to the public and families of the desaparecidos will be in attendance, along with many of the 102 recovered children, who are now full-grown adults. 

the ESMA campus struck me as totally paradoxical, probably one of the main reasons why no one truly knew what was going on inside the gates thirty years ago: the campus features beautiful trees and lawns, whitewashed military buildings that gleam in the sunlight, and sits in the middle of a pretty upscale residential neighborhood, far far away from the government district. inside, however, was a totally different story. broken glass everywhere, dirt-covered floors, dim lighting, and a palpable eeriness that simply screams "concentration camp". the building where we were working seemed untouched, frozen in time as though it still functioned as the same secret detention center from thirty years ago. when i stepped in for the first time, i couldn't help but imagine the innocent prisoners sitting there in dehumanizing conditions, praying for a release that would probably never come. 

some images of one of the many ESMA buildings. 

the inside of an ESMA building 

one of the many broken glass windows. almost nothing has
been changed or renovated from when the building
was in use three decades ago. 

another view of the interior. the ESMA campus has various buildings, and although this particular one was not a main prisoner hold, it was still probably used for torture and administrative tasks related to the government's extermination project.

my original plan had been to observe the creative process, meander through the building, and snap some photos. then jorge perrín, the respected argentine artist in charge of the endeavor and a close friend of my host mom patricia (she's kinda a big deal), asked if i felt like painting. considering my absolute lack of artistic talent and my absolute excess of clumsiness, i tried to convince him that i was NOT equipped for the job and could not risk ruining this important work. but he and patricia refused to let up and soon i was popping a squat on the dirty floor, paintbrush in hand, adding my own little touch and contribution to the piece.

because the main facade had already been completed, we were doing the finishing touches on the sides of each block, basically just painting the outsides until there was no more evidence of ugly and dirty cement. easy work that anyone could do, though i was still nervous i was gonna somehow splatter a bunch of paint by accident. contrary to what normally WOULD happen to me, i managed to complete my cement cubes without making any disastrous mistakes. thank god.

for me, the fact that there were almost fifteen of us painting the various cubes was very symbolic and meaningful. true, the sheer hugeness of the project requires a lot of manpower and would take forever to complete alone, thus having a large group of painters is both logical and necessary. but on a more symbolic level, the teamwork of the project, for me at least, reflected the collective fight of all argentines to bring justice to their country, remember their lost ones, and ensure that no one ever forgets the atrocities committed so many years ago, and that no one ever lets something similar happen again in the future. also, their collective fight to continue searching for the 400 children of desaparecidos who are still unaware of their true origins and identities. i felt lucky and moved to be a part of that experience. i may not be argentine, i may not have been directly affected by what happened, but i still grieve for those whose lives were cut short in such an inhumane and deplorable way. you don't have to be argentine or porteña for that; just human.

photo props to patricia!!

the project!!! 

trying not to be a total jimmmmmyyyy

the team of painters

focused artist planning her next move 

FILTHY AND PAINT-COVERED AND LOVING IT!!!! 

playing with my hair and slouching.....shocker 

another cool shot that patricia snapped of the painting team 

between the unforgettable day at ESMA and ordinary interactions with argentines, the most important thing i've learned about argentina's past is that the past is still inextricably linked to the current present, a important and formative shaper of argentine identity and culture. everything that happened between 1976-1983 wasn't buried and forgotten....even more, everything that happened isn't simply and passively remembered but rather is lived out day by day here in buenos aires. it's still something that is constantly discussed and incorporated in the daily dialogue...even just the other night, i watched a speech on television given by a high-up member of the Worker Party, who made multiple references to the military dictatorship and los desaparecidos. several movies and documentaries have come out in recent years about the issue. las abuelas continue searching for their grandchildren and urge people to get DNA tests if they doubt the veracity of their identity. as a foreigner, now that i've seen ESMA and learned more about the dictatorship and the many traces and damages it left behind, the constant protests and political activism throughout buenos aires, (which i'm so used to by this point that they practically blend into the landscape) are finally making some sense. after almost a solid decade of repression and even more decades of mourning and processing, i can understand why everyone is so politically involved and so vocal about their beliefs. after years of being denied such rights, argentines seize their democracy in full force and make up for the many years they suffered without it. more and more, the endless protests that once seemed so extreme and so hyperbolic, now seem so normal and so necessary. i finally get it. i guess that's the beauty of studying abroad long enough to be able to come to that realization.

the weighty subject of los desaparecidos has gripped me for over a week now and i still haven't stopped thinking about the whole thing. i know i've already droned on EXCESSIVELY in this blog post, but if i haven't lost you yet and you're still reading, PLEASE check out the following link!!! this has seriously got to be one of the coolest photography collection i've ever seen. something so simple, yet so powerful and so tragically beautiful. http://gustavogermano.com/

in particular, i'm intrigued by the ongoing search for their children, who were raised under false pretenses and falsified identities and still don't know the real truth. at first, i was completely confused by the issue and didn't really understand the situation....it's really depressing and really complicated. so here's another interesting link woo!! if you thought that art collection above was powerful, wait until you read the following story. i remember reading about this several years when the truths finally surfaced, but didn't completely understand and didn't continue researching the situation. the following story is incredible. http://www.newint.org/features/2005/12/01/memorials/for anyone that knows spanish, here is another article about juan, from 2004 when he first discovered his true identity. 
http://www.pagina12.com.ar/diario/elpais/1-30877-2004-01-28.html